Pax Bane

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro


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What is it about introspection?
endiron
It hits me at the oddest moments...

Tonight I was sitting there waiting on my poor sick son to get to sleep. Poor guy has been sick with the crud and can hardly breath or get comfortable. At one point today he just crawled in my lap and started crying and looked at me and said, "I am having a bad day and it makes me sad." I think we should all live by 3yr old rules. We might get along better with each other if we were so willing to admit out faults. Shit... there I go again spelunking in my own mind.

I just had this realization while sitting there on a bean bag next to his bed that I cannot remember the last time I have meditated or performed any sort of mental house cleaning, much less spiritual. This all comes on the heels of me having gained back, over the last year a sizable portion of what I spent a year losing and a year keeping off. It was a sudden feeling like I am out of order or phase with my vision of myself. Its got me restless and frustrated, which has finally started the process over again. Stop with the crazy white mans refined sugar and get back to drinking the water. Its the first step in getting my body back in control, but damn if I am not dying for sugar. I can always tell when what I am doing is working because all other desires and wishes suddenly seem bland or unimportant, but the good old death grip on sugar remains.

So I have just hit a wall I think, or more to the point, I have hit a thinking wall, I find myself having a lot of internal dialog and sorting through feelings. People come into and out of focus in my memory like a multi layered slide under a microscope. Weird memories and odd snippets of pain from my past or a moment I wish that I could relive. All of this has me spinning like a top inside, both in a good and bad way.

Just a lot of things going through my head, and its probably time.

Bane

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